How to travel without hating your life.

I am not talking about the lovely kinds of traveling, where you sit blessedly solitary on a train rolling through Tuscan hillsides, or partying like a young satyr on a Greek island, I mean you have to get from San Francisco to Satan's Butthole Las Vegas for an audition or to Milwaukee for a gig, etc. This means plane travel, lines, children, really poor air quality, and lots of waiting around.

So here's how I do it.  Because I'm sure you wanted to know.

I go to terminal 2 at SFO and buy a macaroon, even if it's not cheat day, because any day I am on a plane I give myself pretty much whatever I want. The yuppie/hippie market thingy has them in whimsical flavors like rose and violet, which are delightful.

Also, go to the bookstore and buy whatever book you want. Think you'll be too embarrassed to read 50 Shades of Grey in public? Think again...you're about to be trapped in a sardine can with your hands going numb from sitting next to the overflowing dude in 18E, which squeezes your aerialist lats into a state of atrophy. Reading thinly veiled pornography could be the only act of rebellion left to you.

Purchase something to eat and then eat all of it. If you are lucky enough to be in terminal 2, get a burrito. Ignore the salad. The last thing you need is the culling of a blood sugar crash in a place where there is no edible food.

Purchase chocolate or some other snack and stash it away. Firmly avoid any self-berration for already having spent $40+ because this is the only way.

Own a sleep mask and ear plugs. Traveling without earplugs is akin to going to Costco in Daly City on a Saturday afternoon. Are you @$%#% crazy?

Be like an invisible shadow. Was that a slight breeze? No, it was you going through security with the dexterity of a ninja. It was you, so silent and comfortable in the Sketchers everyone makes fun of you for wearing. Who's laughing now? I got extra socks and knickies just in case in my bag. I got chocolate and almonds and questionable literature.

Oh, also Dramamine if you're on a transcontinental flight. It's the only way I can nap at will- highly recommended.

Also don't almost miss your flight because you were writing this post, and force the flight attendant who was eyeballing you knowingly to call your name over the intercom.  Derp.