- historically stressful event (upcoming gig/show/test of my abilities) triggers usual responses of self-doubt, insecurity, and sets the safe, tried and true coping mechanisms at the ready to cover our ass
- SWITCH GOES ON
- question bubble pops up asking, "do I care?"
- realize I do not.
- discard coping mechanisms and go on living my life in peace.
In short, I learned how not to give a flying fart. "But wait!", you might say. "Isn't apathy the greatest failing?"
I dunno. I don't care. All I know is that for the first time in my career, I ain't scared. Not afraid of being voted off the island, not afraid of what people will think about my work, if it's technical enough, if I have enough skill, if my body looks fit enough, or if everyone is going to suddenly realize I'm a phony...because I may have just found the sun on the flip side of imposter syndrome.
What does this feel like? Well I'll tell you. It feels FRIGGIN AMAZING!!!! Who knew that all this time striving for authenticity, I was being pinned down wriggling by a desire to be acknowledged as an acceptable version of what I'm doing. Because exactly who are we trying to be good enough for? The truth is no one, there is no one, no ghostly judge. It's a trick, an illusion of your human condition. The judgement that you fear does not exist, no one cares enough to ruin your life with their poor opinion of it.
We see this our whole lives echoed back to us on motivational posters and quippy internet quotes, so I believe we are desensitized to the actual manifestation of this switch. The not giving a damn. And that's a shame because it sets you free to make work that is truly honest. Which was the whole friggin point this whole time.
I also think the switch is paid for in years. So we shall see what comes with more years. They are a dear price but no other currency is accepted.
Now, busy season is upon us in SF. I got damn lucky and I'm part of two rad shows coming up that will fill out the holiday gig season. The first one opens next weekend, hello Circus Automatic! Widely recognized as San Francisco circus royalty, the creme de la creme of homegrown, grassroots, all organic performance a gogo. In short, I think this is gonna be some real ass shit.
So it's a damn good thing I ain't scared.
Oh by the way...the tag line Fleeky came up with for the show?
Touche my friend. Let's find out what that looks like. I hope I can share it with many of you.
Here is a sneak preview from our good friend the great RJ MUNA! https://vimeo.com/141488531