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Friday, April 24, 2015

and then I met Tim Ferriss.

When I was in college, I had a friend who told long stories.  Sometimes by the end of the story his audience was glazed over and he realized the story was not remotely entertaining, so he would follow it up with, "and then I found five dollars!"
Just so he could leave things on a high note.

Fast forward to Halloween 2014.  I'm working a private party at a verrrrrrry cool kids private club in San Francisco.  Everything is gorgeous.  The club is made to look like the inside of a ship, and it is one of those buildings that has walls made of glass in a lot of places, particularly around the stairs.  Cue me, exerting massive concentration NOT to walk into one of these said walls.  (I didn't).

We were warned ahead of time that our costumes couldn't just be sufficient they had to be extraordinary, because these people were going to bring it.  And they brought it.  Tons of Elsa's and Malificent's.  If you've never been in a room of late 20's, early 30's millionaires, I'm telling you it is a sexy room.  That's not a judgement on money or privilege, it's just a fact.

Anyway, so it is very late, and I've been doing character for nearly four hours so far.  At the moment, my job is to stretch in an interesting way while dressed as a swarthy sailor, so that is what I'm doing.  A tall, handsome dark-skinned pirate comes up to me and says,
"You aren't doing shit.  I could do that."

Oh good.  A jackass.  So I reply, "Then do it."  Followed by a smile and continue with my work.  But he's not done, oh no.  Can't let the girl sailor off the hook with the last word.  He's a PIRATE CAPTAIN.

"I was a gymnast.  I could do what you are doing in my sleep."

"Good for you."  Reminding myself how much I like the person that hired me, and that it will not do to embarrass my employer by facepalming a guest.  Luckily he leaves.  OH but then he comes back!  He has more to say, ONE HOUR later.  Sidles up to me and says,
"I been watching.  You still ain't done shit."

"Go away."  And I turn my attention pointedly to the other side of the room.  He does go away and I don't have to see him again for the rest of the night.  Inside, I am seething with anger.  Why?  It is not because of his judgements, which are water off a duck's back.  Me being the duck, and his meaningless declarations the water.

My anger is an incredulousness.  This man is young, good looking, clearly successful, and he chooses to direct his energy at this event to heckling a live performer.  What kind of sick power-play is this?  Who even DOES that?

As usual I continue working myself up about it until I can hardly contain the sheer volume of contempt I feel for this man.

Then the crowds part, and I catch someone's eye, watching the performers.  I know this face, it is a handsome face, and very familiuar.  I recognize it from the inside covers of several much-read volumes on my bookshelf.  Because it is friggin Tim Ferriss, one of my all-time favorite authors and innovative weirdos (definitely meant as a compliment).  This is the man responsible for revolutionizing my diet at the least, and for influencing my experimental attitude towards my life, which has changed everything.  And he's looking straight at me.  Tim friggin Ferriss is looking at me.

"Don't fuck up don't fuck up don't fuck up don't fuck up..." is my inner dialogue.  Don't stare, keep working.  Do something interesting.

Aaaaand he's moving.  Last chance.  This will not happen again.  So I do that really annoying thing people do where they kind of grab at you, physically, like a child.  Whatever, it's annoying, but it totally worked, and he turned around, and I was presented with an opportunity to say the least intelligent thing I could think of, which was,

"Are you Tim Ferriss?"


"Can I shake your hand?"  God I loathe myself in this moment.  But whatever, because even though I didn't sound smart and I didn't sound cool, I got to meet Tim Ferriss, and tell him how much I admire his work, and to thank him for it.  And he introduced me to his incredibly gorgeous date who was named something exotic and gorgeous that I don't remember.  And we talked about handstands for a minute and I'm sure I smiled way too much, and he was friendly and polite and then he and his date wandered back into the party.

And it was like 1:00am so I went to de-sailor and go home.

What is the moral of this story?  I met two people on opposite ends of the socially benevolent spectrum.  One enormous ego who went out of his way to cut me down, and one best-selling author who was kind and lovely and asking for tips on handstands.

I'm just saying.  All this happened.  And then I met Tim Ferriss.


Zaianya said...

Amazing. As is your Sailor Moon pic to close this post off :)

As for the cutter-downer guy, I suppose Blade sums it up best: "Some motherf*ckers always gotta be ice skating uphill."

...wait, that doesn't apply at all, does it?

Jack said...

That is so cool :-D He's definitely on my most awesome people list. I sat across the isle from him on a plane once... didn't introduce myself. Probably should've!

Unknown said...

I think that pirate was trying to hit on you. He clearly has not mastered the fine art of negging.